I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize