Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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