2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
