I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
