Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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