I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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