OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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