just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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