How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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