ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
he thought i was a dude.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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