They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
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