did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
