I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize