So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
