In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
