Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
