I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
