At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
