Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Randomize
