why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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