You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize