i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
