so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
