I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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