Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
