I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
