so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
