the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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