i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
