**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
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