I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
