They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize