Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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