remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
