last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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