Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize