In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
