hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I will be naked everywhere
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
