my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
