overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize