If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
