You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
