Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
