I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize