When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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