I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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