I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I need to sanitize my soul.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
