My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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