you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i dont even know how to be here
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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