He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
