Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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