I wish I could punch you in the face.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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