6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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