i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
