Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
