Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
