If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
