So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
