She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
