I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
