just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
