i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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