k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
where are you?
Hypothermia
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
