I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
