I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
