K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
