carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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