Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
