I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Randomize
